So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
