last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
