It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
