mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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