highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
