Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
