I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
