accomplished twins. life is a go
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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