he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
