I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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