My liver just broke up with me...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
