so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
