I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
