if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Never underestimate the power of titties
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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