she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
