your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
