Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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