just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
