I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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