Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
