I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
