I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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