i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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