i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My cat gives me a boner
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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