Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I want to fling myself into the sun
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
