yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
