look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize