My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
