I'm going to jail i love you
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
