im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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