2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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