Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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