Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
