Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
God, I missed his penis.
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