Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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