Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
