if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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