How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
