he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
