He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
