he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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