birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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