Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
