my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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