It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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