Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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