Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
