There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
you had me at cake vodka
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize