so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
