While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
