I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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