I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I stole a fireplace last night.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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