Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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