Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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