Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
