Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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