I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
