Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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