We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
