I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
