So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
be right there i have to get my cape
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
