I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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