they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
