wakey wakey hands off snakey
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i've created a new STD.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
