Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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