Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
