what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
