I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
