weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
